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for misterdoctorstrange

The people who had disappeared didn't leave behind any ghosts. And then the spirits from before became less and less because, well, the local death rate slowed when there were fewer people to die. Besides, Harper was pretty sure that most people were happy to leave their current existence behind with things the way they were. For Harper, it was as if someone had pressed a mute button on her life. Her hectic, upside down world was suddenly empty. Ironically enough, if was bereft of the life it once had.

That had been hard.

Losing Stephen Strange had been harder.

She'd waiting for weeks inside the Sanctum, but he never returned.

For five years Harper closed herself off from the world more than ever. She cute herself off from the few people she knew who still existed. She went to work, performed her perfunctory duties, and went home. She didn't even bother with late nights in clubs and one night stands like she might have once upon a time. Losing Strange was one loss too many for a girl who had been abandoned her whole life.

In the end, it was the cats outside, in the ally behind the store. She heard the clatter of a trash can, and upon inspection found a whole pack of them digging for food in the bin. Before, maybe she'd see one stalking along the streets, but never so many at once. Not since...

Harper's hands trembled, and her heart raced as she ran to the front of the store. The streets were filled with confused people with wide eyes. People who hadn't been there in five years.

She'd finished her shift, gone home and buried herself in bed. As the hours ticked by she could hear the celebrations all around, but she wanted none of it. She couldn't dare to let herself celebrate - to hope. She couldn't do it anymore.

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I'm sorry.

[It was the only thing he could think to say even though "sorry" didn't cover the depth of emotions and sorrow that he felt. Even as he felt his heart lurch in the ridiculous, teenage-infatuation way it always did when he saw her he could tell that these five years hadn't been easy.

Or maybe it was just the journey to the door that hadn't been easy. It hadn't occurred to Strange until now that maybe Harper didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Maybe she had moved on or had decided that it wasn't worth the risk again. She had opened herself up and the one thing she'd been afraid of had happened.

It didn't help that Strange still loved her every bit as much as he did five years ago. Or "yesterday" as five years ago felt to him.]

[ Harper's face was blank as Strange's presence and his words sunk in. Even though the proof around her had given every indication that he would be back now, she hadn't let herself believe it. But it was undeniable, now. He was there, on her doorstep, looking just like he had the last time she had seen him - maybe a little more beat up, but the same. Five years hadn't happened for him. Five years that had been a gray, lifeless world for her, had been a blink of an eye to him.

And the stupid thing was that she did still want him. She hadn't moved on like everyone else had tried to do. All she had done is survived, and surviving had brought her to this moment. Her traitorous little heart fluttered with feelings she had refused to let herself feel before. But this couldn't be fixed with an apology. Things couldn't be the same as they once were, as if she hadn't had her heart broken again.

She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to kiss Strange's stupid face until she forgot everything else.

In the end, she crumpled in on herself and did a mess of the first two. With tears stinging in her eyes, she pushed at Strange's shoulders - not enough to knock him back any distance, but hard. She wanted him to hurt. It wasn't his fault, but she wanted him to hurt. ]

Sorry??? You're sorry!? Sorry doesn't make five years just go away, you know!

[Seeing her hurt and in pain, this woman that he cared so much about, was far more painful than anything physical she could have done to him. Strange had never wanted to hurt her and by the time he realized what was going to happen he was on the other side of the galaxy and couldn’t get any sort of message to her letting her know that it would all work out.

And he had looked for ways to do that, things he could have told Stark or Nebula to tell Harper but doing that always ruined the outcome. Tell anyone what would happen meant it didn’t happen. So he had to let Harper hurt so badly while he just... didn’t exist for a while.]

I know. Nothing can. Believe me, I looked into 14 million ways for this to work out better and this was the best outcome. And I’m sorry because even the best outcome hurt you badly.

I didn't even know. Not for the longest time.

[ She'd gone searching for answers, but it's not like she knew any of the Avengers. She couldn't just go up to them and ask what had happened to Strange. Had he gone the way of half the universe? Or had he died trying to prevent it? All she had had were questions, and no one to answer them. It was only when the remaining Avengers came out of the shadows and gave the world the whole story that she heard about Strange's fate.

Not that knowing made anything better. Dust or not, to her he had died. He was gone, and nothing was going to bring him back. Same old song with a different tune.

And now he actually was back, and Harper had no idea how to feel about it anymore. Things couldn't go back to how they were. Five years couldn't be ignored. Strange being gone had ripped open old wounds that Harper had never wanted to acknowledge. And it made the feelings she had for him, the ones she had been trying to play off, far too obvious. He made her vulnerable, which is the one things she's fought her whole life not to be.

She looked at him, anger and grief warring on her face. There was probably more honest emotion there now than she had ever shown him before. She let out a shaky sigh. ]

I don't know what to do here. I've spent five years trying to forget about you, to block it all out. And now you're here, and it's been what, a few days for you?

Something like that.

[It took every ounce of self control he had to not point out exactly how long it had been for him, the pedantic in him giving way to the man who cared more about Harper than he did about being perfectly right about things.

What she was saying scared him though, scared him because there was no reassurance that she would take him back. That she wanted him back. Maybe this was how it ended, he didn't know. There was no magic stone that he could see the future in now to know the right thing to say or do. Not that he ever did that with Harper but he would be tempted to do so now.]

And I can't imagine how hard it was for you. Because I was unable to see you for just a few days and it was terrible. I can't imagine what you went through.

[ Harper's body felt like it was being pulled in all kinds of directions. She wanted to fall to her knees, run back inside, go somewhere that he couldn't find her. But she also wanted to collapse into his arms. She wanted him to wrap her up and never let go. She wanted to kiss ever stupid scratch and bruise on his face.

She thought that she had moved on. At the very least she had locked him away. How could she still want him so badly, and care for him so much, when all it had led to was pain? God, she must have been some kind of masochist.

Her voice broke with a hiccuped sob as she tried to speak. Angrily, she rubbed at her eyes to rid herself of the tears there. She looked at his face again, the whole quagmire of emotions still there. ]

Well? What are you just standing there for? Get over here and hold me, dammit!

[Strange could feel things teetering on a precipice. The fact that she hadn't welcomed him with open arms wasn't really a surprise, although he wouldn't have minded if she had done that. Strange knew that this wouldn't be easy for her at all.

But he could admit that he was afraid, afraid that he would lose her. Maybe it would only serve him right since she had lost him but ever selfish he didn't want to lose her. Somewhere along the line she had become so important to him that he needed her.

When she spoke he was fully prepared for her to curse at him and tell him to just leave. Not because he believed that's what she wanted so much as he was preparing himself for it. But she didn't. She didn't tell him to go. She still cursed at him though, but he could live with that.

Immediately he rushed forward and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close into a hug and keeping her against him like he was afraid she might change her mind.]

[ Harper was not the sort of person who cried. After a certain age, and after so many bitter disappointments, she had stopped allowing herself the chance to. Instead she would barrel through life with sarcasm and a distance from other people. Despite all that, and despite the fact that she had been burned yet again by breaking her own rules, Harper crumpled against Strange's chest and wept.

She didn't sob or make a show of it. Tears rolled down her cheeks, on to the fabric of Strange's clothes, but she was only loud enough for him to hear her. This wasn't for anyone else. It was for him, and it was for herself. All the heartbreak and loneliness she had been stewing in were finally free, and it consumed her. Her shaking hands clutched at Strange, gripping at his back, as if he might disappear again if she didn't hold fast. Some sick part of her hoped that hearing her cry would hurt him. For all her longing, she was still bitter about him leaving, even if what he did had been right.

But mostly, she was just tired of being alone. Of being herself without anyone else. She was exhausted by the five years without Strange.

She buried her face against his chest, and her voice came out soft and muffled. ]

I missed you. So much.

I know. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I wish I could have been.

[It was the one thing that he truly regretted missing out on in those five years. It had been so frustrating because in the grand scheme of his plan, of making sure everyone got back, so many people had been inconsequential. Trillions in the galaxy didn't really make a difference one way or another but a handful did and Strange had been one of them. In order for everyone to come back he had to abandon the woman he loved for give years. The woman he had let down her defenses to let him into his life had to be left alone.

Strange was lucky she was willing to take him back and he intended to not take that for granted.]

I hope you'll let me spend the rest of our lives making it up to you?

[ Now that she had started, Harper couldn't seem to stop crying. Part of her felt like such an idiot for standing there, sobbing at her front door. But with Strange's arms tight around her, she couldn't bring herself to care all that much. She didn't know what happened to Strange when he left. She didn't know what he had gone through. But with the way he was holding on to her now, she knew that it had done something to him. She had been on his mind even with the fate of the universe at stake. Somehow, that thought comforted her.

She stiffened at his questioning tone. With bleary eyes, she looked up his face. Emotions still warred within her, and it was so, so difficult to let go of her fear. She wanted so badly for things to return to how they were before and to not have to confront everything that made her fall apart. How had she let this man be the key to her happiness and her downfall all at once? ]

I...I don't know what I'm doing, Stephen. I fell apart when you left. I don't want to go through that again.

[ Though her words were not a direct answer to his question, Harper held tight to Stephen. Her fingers gripped the material of his clothes. She didn't want him to think that this was rejection. ]

I know. I know I’m asking a lot of you.

[Strange continued to hold her close, his words low and quiet just for her. The Cloak wrapped itself around both of them, hugging Harper every bit as much as Strange was before it floated them up and through the doorway so that they were out of the street where anyone could see. Not that theirs had been the only tearful reunion these past few days but that didn’t make everyone around them anymore entitled to it.

Once they were inside the Cloak relaxed around them and Strange reached up to run his fingers through her hair. If there was some magic word or phrase to say that would let her know that nothing like this would ever happen again he would say it. There was no reassurance that he could give though, not without it being a lie.]

I don’t want to be without you but it’s your choice, Harper.

[ Harper choked out a small laugh amongst her tears when she felt the Cloak wrap around them both. It was funny, but she had missed it, in her way as well. Now it's presence, even as it lifted them into her home, was as much of a comfort as Strange's arms were.

Still, the truth of Strange's words unsettled that semblance of reassurance. Strange was back now, yes, but that wasn't any guarantee that something else wouldn't happen in the future to take him away from her. She was at least thankful that he didn't lie to her about that. They both knew the risks, and Harper didn't want anyone to sugarcoat that.

She didn't know if she was strong enough to keep caring for him, but she knew she wasn't strong enough not to.

Her fingers trembled as they held fast to the back of Strange's shirt. She looked up at him, certain that her face was a blotchy mess. Even though she knew, it amazed her that he truly didn't look a moment older than when she had last seen him. He was still the smug, handsome, confident man she had somehow fallen for, but with an expression that just about broke her heart all over again. She held his fate in her hands, and the look on his face told her that he truly didn't know what her answer would be - that he was frightened she would turn him away. ]

Stay. Please stay.

[ Maybe he wouldn't always be able to, but for now, she needed him to stay. ]

[Strange didn’t even know he’d been crying until he felt one of the tears roll down his cheek. He had lost a lot in his life, to the point of ruin and hopelessness, but even then he’d been angry about it. Desperate, yes, but there had been an anger at the core of it.

Now though, with Harper in his arms, he was scared. Scared that he would lose something that he knew no magic or science could ever get him back. The fact that it hadn’t been his fault at all was almost laughable except for the fact that his heart ached so badly at even the possibility that she wouldn’t want him back.

When she told him to stay he gave a muffled sob, forced down by sheer will, and hugged her close, arms crushing her tightly as he held her to him.]

I will. I will and I promise to always do everything I can to never leave you again.

[That he would do everything he could to not leave her was at least something he could promise.]

[ If it was unusual for Harper to cry, it was wholly unprecedented for Strange to do so. Harper's already aching heart clenched in her chest at the sight and sound of it. His fear was as palpable of her own.

She clung to him as he pulled her close. She didn't know if she would ever let him go - certainly not any time soon. The unfamiliar feeling of hope began to grow within her. It wasn't all encompassing - it was too soon for that - but it was undeniable. The happiness that had left her along with Stephen now had the possibility of returning.

She knew that he couldn't promise forever, not with certainty, but she could tell that he wanted to. That would have to be enough. As much as pretended like nothing affected her worked to keep her safe, she didn't like being that empty sort of person. She liked who she was with him so much more.

Her crying was renewed thanks to Strange's own tears, but they don't feel as bitter now as they had at the start. She buried her face in his shoulder. When she spoke her voice was muffled, but not too much to be heard. ]

Everything. Every. Single. Thing.

I will, I promise. I'm sorry this time it took so long.

[Because it had been the only way to save himself, to save all of them, to get him back to her. It had been worth it to Strange but he knew that he wasn't the one that had to live with the loss. His route was relatively easy compared to Harper and the rest of the survivors.

Strange felt relatively certain though that if they could make it through this then they could make it through most everything. Not that he really wanted to put that to the test, especially not at the moment.]

And it's almost annoying that you don't look even a year old. Not that I'm complaining.

[ A shuddered breath that really should have been some sort of laugh, came out of Harper. She shoved him with her shoulder, then peeked up at his face again. ]

You're one to talk.

[ She reached out with one hand and cupped the side of his face in her palm. His facial hair scratched gently, just like it used to. Everything about him looked the same, save for some cuts and bruises. She strokes her thumb along his cheekbone. ]

I'm 34 now, you know. I hope the bigger age gap wasn't the only thing keeping you interested.

[Strange leaned into the touch, finding a sort of comfort there that not even saving the galaxy could afford him. Harper centered him unlike anyone else and made him feel complete in a way that nothing else could. For as much as she had fallen apart without him he thought he might be even worse without her.]

Let's be honest, we both know it was your ass that I stuck around for.

[Turning his head he kissed the palm of her hand while reaching up to run his fingers through her hair.]

That and the fact that I love you.

[ The tentative laugh that almost bubbled out of Harper was cut short by Strange's open and honest statement. Neither of them had said it before, and Harper's instinct was to run from them. The L-word had always been a cue to run before. Love meant attachments and attachments meant that she could get hurt. They'd never said it before, and yet she'd gotten hurt anyway. Hurt, and yet somehow, in just those few moments since Strange arrived at her door, she was already feeling the broken parts of her knit back together. How could she have been so empty for five years and not love him?

God, it was all still so painful and messy, but it was undeniable. Her stupid, breakable heart loved him.

Eyes still watery and red, she looked at him with a kind of wonder she usually tried to keep from her face. It didn't exactly suit her tough demeanor, but then again, nothing about this day did. She wanted to tell him, to say how all the pain she felt was just her warped, broken way of loving him, but the part of her that always hesitated with these things needed to hear it again. She needed to know that he meant it. ]

You love me?

[Strange hadn't even really thought about the implications of what he'd said, not fully. It wasn't as if the word had just leaped out either, he knew what he meant when he was saying it. It was the only word that could come close to conveying what he was feeling. And he wanted her to know, wanted her to really understand why he would work so hard to always come back to her and do everything he could.

Because he loved her. He loved this complicated, amazing, difficult, beautiful woman in a way that he didn't even entirely understand. And maybe it was too early to tell her that or maybe it would scare her off- though if his absence hadn't scared her off then he doubted this will.]

I do. I love you so much. And not just because you're the only one that seems to even want to put up with me.

[ She laughed, which just caused more tears to drop from her eyes. She can't be bothered with them though. This was probably the messiest, most emotional she has ever been, short of being an infant, and she doesn't give a shit. Because the of all the impossible things that have happened in her life, this man, holding her like she might slip away at any second, loved her. He was stubborn and had a temper to match hers. He was broken and angry. He was brave, and caring, and knew her inside and out.

And he loved her.

She brought both hands to his face now, her touch feather light. ]

I love you, too. [ The words were true as anything. She meant them with her whole being. They sounded rusty, and felt strange on her lips. She couldn't remember the last time she told someone she loved them. She couldn't remember the last time she felt love. ]

So, so much, Stephen. And you know I wouldn't just say that without meaning it.

I know that you wouldn't.

[He smiled and leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. He could feel the warmth of her hands on his face and he the tenderness in the touch. To be honest he was surprised that she loved him back. Despite taking him back when she'd been so hurt by him. Strange knew that he couldn't be easy to love. Hell, he was fairly sure that he wasn't even easy to like but Harper did. Harper did with all her heart and soul.]

I'm lucky that I managed to find the one person who can love me despite... me being myself.

[ At that, Harper flattened her hands and pressed them against Strange's cheeks, squishing his face together, cuts and bruises be damned. She frowned, but it didn't last long, morphing into a smile filled with affection. ]

Don't be stupid. I love you because you're yourself.

[ There wasn't a thing that Harper would change about Strange. Even the things that made him sacrifice himself for the greater good. She doesn't think she will ever quite get over losing him, but she wouldn't have wanted him to make any other choice than the one he had. And for all his flaws, Harper knew she wasn't perfect, either. In a way, his stubbornness and pride reflected her own, and that brought a strange comfort to Harper. She felt safe being herself with him, whether it was the sharp, thorny version of herself she projected to the world or the vulnerable side that only he got to see.

She loosens her hold on his face but brings him closer to hers so that she can kiss him. It's soft and sweet, almost like a promise. ]

I love all of you, so don't you change a damned thing. Got it?

Well, if that's an order then I guess I don't have much of a choice.

[And of course her words only made him love her more. There were no illusions between the two that they were perfect, far from it, but it was clear that neither them wanted or would be happy with a conventional partner. The fact that she loved him despite and in some places because of all his faults? How could he not love her more because of that.]

Seriously though if you could stop squishing my face that like it's still rather sore.

[ Harper winced a bit in sympathy as she eases her hands away. Concern clouded her vision as she leaned back just enough to scan Strange over. ]

Is there anything worse? Should you be in a hospital now or something?

[ While she knew the basics of what happened thanks to the Avenger's report to the world, there was still so much that she didn't know. She didn't know what he had gone through both before and after the snap. ]

Can you tell me about it? About everything that happened?

Well, I got my ass kicked from one end of the galaxy to the other. I was tortured in between but I did have the pleasure of seeing the person who killed me die twice.

[Which probably didn't make a lot of sense but a lot of what happened didn't make much sense in general. What had happened to them all was crazy even in the aftermath it was a mess.]

I feel a little worse for wear but I need to be here with you, not at a hospital.

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